October
by: JoJo Ball


If October is like variety than May is like redundancy.
If October is like the crunch of dead leaves under my feet
 and the smooth silkiness of my caped halloween costume
then May is like the itchiness after i've been laying on the grass too long
 and the itchiness inside of my nose from the allergies.
If October is like spiced apple cider and hot chocolate
then May is lemonade and more lemonade.
Earlier today I awoke thinking of you.
Much like how I fell asleep. Much like I do very often.
I fall asleep most nights thinking of you, thinking of us.
Thinking about what happens next,
about what has already happened.
It makes me think of October. The month of thinking,
 the month of decisions both bad and good.
The bad decisions that we work through
and the good decisions that make it all worth while.
Like how a fresh cup of cocoa burns your mouth at first
but tastes good enough to try again.
Like how we enjoyed September,
before we dealt with October.
And this too makes me think of us, of me and you.
Of how you put up with me even when I bother you on purpose.
Of how you let me drive even though you get frustrated when i get us lost.
Of how you hate it when I tell you you're cute when you're mad
even though you hate it.
Of how I tease you so much and all you do is adore me.
Once in a dream I thought of our future, of our happiness.
I thought of us living together,
I thought of our kids and our house.
I thought of it the way girls think of their wedding,
the way boys think of being super heroes. It was real;
As real as how we feel about each other in may.
I never thought I could be so happy and still feel this much longing.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder,
but your absence just makes me miss you.
For a brief moment I think that maybe it's true.
Maybe I love you more in the moment I see you,
when you visit me but right now I feel like if I felt any stronger,
I would whither away into nothingness.
Believe me what happens next is nothing but
proverbial sunshine and daisies. I promise you that.
I promise to do whatever it takes to put a smile on your face.
Even if it means telling  you you're cute when you're mad.
I'll be the best me I can be for you
because the best me makes you the happiest you.
The worst thing you ever said to me was what if i'm not invincible?
I tried to brush it off,
like you brush off the claim that I love you more.
These days I'm the trapeze artist,
glued to the bar and ropes while holding your limp body from falling.
The same way that I'll keep you with me forever
because that's what being invincible means.
Listen, living forever is only worth it if you get to share it with someone else.
And besides, living each day like it's your last can get as tiring as watching NASCAR.
Once in October I was lost.
I was wandering around the vast moral landscape of Corvallis and I was confused.
But it is not October. You gently, patiently helped me navigate my way back to myself. Back to what I really wanted. Back to you.